Needles. In my body. All over my body. The ones that stay there for a while.
Add it to the list of things I never thought I'd do. Start a new list of things I never thought I'd do willingly.
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Michael and I sat down with my oncologist, Dr. Ruth, at the beginning of December to discuss a number of things, namely our concerns surrounding the shot I get every month (Lupron) and the new pill that I am now taking every day (Tamoxifen). Michael had been doing some online research into these drugs and their side effects and what he found caused some concern. Dr. Ruth's answer was two-fold:
1) Stop Googling and here is why: most people don't have any problems with these drugs but you won't hear about that on the internet because they are busy getting on with their lives and they don't have time to tell the internet about all the problems they are not having. There are a few people who do not adjust well to the drugs and they are the ones who are up late at night posting their problems on message boards.
2) Hormone therapy is the most important part of Lauren's treatment - more important than the chemo and the radiation. So we either take the risk with the side effects, or take the risk with the cancer.
Then the conversation turns to Quality of Life. I love Dr. Ruth because she is kind enough to care and kind enough to ask. I tell her that things are good, for the most part. I have mood swings but I've always had mood swings. I get up a couple of times during the night, but I go to bed early enough that overall I feel well-rested. The hot flashes are a big fat pain in the ass, but I don't want to be on more drugs to treat the symptoms. I have cut out of my diet all the things that I can reasonably cut out. I have stopped drinking alcohol almost entirely, save for one jealous sip from Michael's glass if and when we go out to dinner. And now I am turning down chocolate. (Just shoot me). I limit my sugar intake. I only have one cup of coffee in the morning and that is simply so I don't kill my kids. If I do all these things, I notice the hot flashes are not as brutal. But I have body aches and muscle aches and my dentist says I'm clenching my jaw. As nice as it sounds, I cannot be stoned every minute of the day, it just isn't practical. I want to alleviate some of these side effects, but I don't want you to prescribe me more drugs.
DR. RUTH: I don't want to prescribe you more drugs, either.
LAUREN: Ok. Good. Right. So...
DR. RUTH: I want you to go see my acupuncturist. She is a Chinese Dragon Lady. Kind of a witch doctor. Straight from China.
LAUREN: Are you talking about needles?
DR. RUTH: Needles. Yes.
LAUREN: And dragons??
DR. RUTH: Dragon Lady. As in powerful, not prickly.
LAUREN: Ok. (pause) I have this thing about needles....
DR. RUTH: You are going to have to get over your thing. Oh, and take that stupid kerchief off your head you look ridiculous.
LAUREN: Not as ridiculous as my hair under the kerchief.
DR. RUTH: Take it off and let me see.
LAUREN: I can't.
DR. RUTH: I'm your doctor and I have to see your hair growing back in.
LAUREN: No.
DR. RUTH: You look like you should be scrubbing floors.
LAUREN: Fine. (she takes her mom's kerchief from 1975 off her head)
DR. RUTH: You look great!! Just watch some old Audrey Hepburn movies and you'll be fine. Now here is Dr. Ming's phone number. Call her today. You might have to go in a couple of times a week at first, and your (shitty, greedy) health insurance company (CIGNA) probably won't pay for it (they didn't). But I think you're going to like it. If nothing else, you could use half an hour to lie on a bed and relax, right?
ENTER my new best friend DR. MING.
Dr. Ming asks me to fill out a health history form. Dr. Ming looks over my form and, like most doctors before her, tells me it makes no sense that I got cancer. At least I don't cry at this assertion anymore. Progress. Dr. Ming asks me to put on a large piece of paper with holes in it after I politely point out that it is not, in fact, a "gown" and perhaps the medical profession suffers from delusions of grandeur. Then she asks me to lie down on the table. She takes my pulse at my wrist which prompts her to ask if I have lower back pain. I don't have lower back pain but I'm awfully curious what my wrist is saying about me behind my back. Dr. Ming reaches for something off of the table by the table and starts unwrapping and I do not know that she is unwrapping needles until they start going into the back of my neck. I don't feel anything at all except fear. Then she puts a few in my lower back. Then she asks me to lie down. On my back.
LAUREN: Lie down?
MING: Yes.
LAUREN: On my back?
MING: Yes, on your back, yes.
LAUREN: But you just put needles in my back.
MING: Yes, needles in your back, lie down, yes.
LAUREN: (after trying a number of times to lie down) I can't.
MING: Is ok. Lie down. Trust me.
LAUREN: I forgot to tell you that I have a fear of needles.
MING: Is ok. Needles will help with fear of needles.
After five minutes of this, and with every muscle in my body inappropriately tensed, I lay down. On my back. On the needles. Just in case you missed that. Ming put 30 more needles in my head, my arms, my hands, my feet, my legs...
MING: How is your sex life?
LAUREN: Um....
MING: We got to get things moving again. We put needles in and body start to flow again. You need flow down there?
LAUREN: Well...
MING: No flow down there?
Needles in the abdomen. Luckily no needles down "there". Luckily, in alternative medicine, if your head hurts, the doctor rubs your left ankle. If your arm hurts, the doctor looks at your right ear. If you have no sex life because your oncologist is putting you through menopause at the age of 37, then your Chinese acupuncturist Dragon Lady Witch Doctor will put a round of needles around your uterus.
Ming finishes and turns off the lights. She tells me she will be back in half an hour and I should spend the time breathing into the needles. When the door closes and I am alone in a dark room on Park and 39th with only needles and crinkly paper for company, I realize there is nothing to do but give in. I start to breathe into the needles. I start to relax. I gradually find all the tension everywhere in my body and let it go. The release feels good and the tears start to flow, letting me know that I am indeed releasing.
I don't fall asleep as Dr. Ming wants me to, instead my mind races. I think about my neighbor Chloe and how much she would love this. I think about my kids and my husband and what the new year is going to bring. I think about the holidays that are coming up and how busy everyone is and how nice it would be if everyone weren't. I try to reign it in and meditate. It works for a second and a half but I am too amped up with ideas and one thought leading to the next and the next and suddenly I am writing a script for HBO.
Half an hour passes and I am sure that when I get off this table I will be a bundle of energy and I will race home to all of the decorating and present wrapping that awaits. Dr. Ming takes the needles out and tapes little black seeds inside my ears "for balance" or something alternative like that. She tells me to get dressed and when I reach for my clothes I find I can't move. I am stoned. Really, really, I-have-been-smoking-all-day-stoned. I manage to dress and pay Ming and give her a stoner hug and then I hail a cab. The rest of the afternoon is shot. I am so relaxed I can only manage a couch or an arm chair. I definitely can't manage bath time or books, or the kids brushing their teeth. "WE DON'T WANT TO BRUSH OUR TEETH TONIGHT!!" Fine. Don't. Mommy don't care. Somehow I did get dinner on the table but I don't remember how I did that. Michael looks at me and wants to know what's wrong with me and why the kids aren't in bed and I tell him "Mommy is relaxed. That's why."
