Tomorrow is Chemo Punch Round 3. I don't want to go. Like a kid who doesn't want to go to school because he knows he's going to get the shit kicked out of him. But he has to go, right? I mean, he could skip school, but he would only be delaying the inevitable. So what does he do? (No, he does not buy a gun. He is a good kid). He lies awake at night while his mind battles with a strong and perfectly normal human desire to avoid a beating, and his very sad reality. And reality always wins. Fucker.
Now I don't know if this kid has Ativan at his disposal, but if he did he could pop one before bed and that would at least quiet his mind and let him sleep. I try not to pill-pop but my sleepless nights were getting out of control so last night I took an Ativan before bed and I actually SLEPT!!! So now it's kind of a no-brainer and that's what I'll be doing for a while. Because even getting stoned alone in my bathroom before bed was only making me wide awake and stoned. And it's a little frustrating to be lying in bed at 2 in the morning making up really good songs about your kids to the tune of "Jesus Loves Me" only to forget them entirely the next morning. Why am I singing "Jesus Loves Me?" Because it's a really easy song to rhyme words in and also my athiest/agnostic parents sent me to pre-school at a Christian Baptist Church (?!?!?!?!?!?!?!) and I've been reviewing my entire life since I got cancer because that's what you do when you can't sleep. And when you're stoned. And when you have cancer.
So I'm going to go to sleep in a minute but I did want to tell you that I looked at my head finally. It did not take me a full three weeks, to my surprise. But I only looked at it for a second. And then a day later for a couple of seconds. And then a few days later a couple seconds more. The girls asked me for a few days in a row if they could see it and I finally relented over the weekend. Willa squealed and Clio said "Aw, pretty!" I almost bought her a pony. Still, I always wear it covered, either with a scarf or a loose cap. Believe it or not, it gets very cold, a bare naked head. I haven't missed my hair, which was a big fat pain in the ass anyway. The scarf and drop earring collection is growing and I'm working on my new look, but it's slow going because I don't really have the time, energy, or desire to be beautiful right now. So instead I am a nice healthy mix of Dopey of the Seven Dwarves and a Hasidic Jewish woman. But as we say on Planet Cancer, it could be a lot worse.
I have been observing a lot of hot little Hasidic women lately in Brooklyn. And it's off subject, but apparently it's a thing now where they dress their kids alike??
ReplyDeleteInsomnia sucks. Glad you have a weapon. Thinking about you always, and thanks for letting us in a little.
Take it from someone who's had no hair for a while - it gets better. You get used to it and enjoy the smooth, aerodynamic look of it! Keep on!
ReplyDeleteI hope you do drop any lingering concerns over such pill-headery. Sleep is so vital. Sleep trumps pill-headery concerns, like, with a huge-ass walloping. It's the foundation of physical and mental health. If you need a pill to do it, oh man I'm about to be a Nike lemming: just do it! I know I sound like a proselytizer, perhaps because I am, but to me? Lying awake anxious and short-changing sleep just to be "natural" and "stoic"? Fuck that shit, is what I say. It's not just health-undermining, in my opinion, it's just a massive waste of time and energy. And the sorts of thought patterns that can just keep going like the hamster on the treadmill? Shutting that shit down proper-style is where it's at.
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