Sunday, June 23, 2013

The Chemo Diaries. It's Getting Ugly.

I tried.  I think I made a valiant effort.  I got up, put on clothes, wrapped a scarf around my head and went outside with my kids as though everything were normal.  But it didn't take.  It's 11:30am on a beautiful Sunday afternoon and I am back in my pajamas and back in bed.  But actually, this feels much better than faking it at the park in 80 degree weather in a scarf, sweat pants, and long sleeve shirt because I can't let the sun hit my skin.  I am so weak and so tired that I can barely type this.  I rest my arms between sentences and between paragraphs I take a nap.

So, yes, Round 3 is harder.  And I'm trying not to think about Round 4 because I'm afraid that during Round 4 I might actually die.  This week was atrocious.  I ate, slept, and cried as usual but it all seemed much more difficult somehow.  Though I had to eat, I didn't feel like eating and the thought of food was repulsive but I ate anyway.  Carbs mostly.  Bagels and cream cheese got me through in a pinch.  And when it was time to eat again, and I looked like I was on the verge of tears because I couldn't think of anything I wanted, Mom would ask if I'd like some ice cream because how could you turn down ice cream?  Chemo will turn down ice cream for you. 

And the crying - oh my lord.  Buckets and buckets of tears at all hours of the day for any and all reasons that make sense or don't.  At treatment, Nurse Beth asked me if I was depressed and I laughed her off and said of course I was depressed but I'm thinking now I should have taken her seriously because I think she would have called in some nice anti-psychotics for me.  Ok, next time.

But bedtime is the best part of the day.  I love it.  I can spend time snuggling and reading with my girls, take an Ativan, and then turn it all off.  For eight blissful hours it is all gone - the sadness, the sickness, the depression, the exhaustion, the need to eat, the need to drink, the need to eat again, the need to figure out what I'm going to eat next.  And then, of course, the morning comes and it is such a bummer.  The sun rises and says "Come on!  Get up with me!  It's going to be such a great day!  Just think of all we can do!"

I want to punch morning in the face.

5 comments:

  1. Punch me in the face! I can take it.

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  2. Hugs Lauren. Just wish I could give you a real live hug.

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  3. Hang in there Lauren, you're almost through it. Glad to hear the second round of chemo was taken off the treatment plan. Tell the Dr. you need some valium - it's a miracle drug. I wish I could give you a real hug too.

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  4. Amy, John, Johnny and ColetteJuly 1, 2013 at 4:57 PM

    You are brave. You are beautiful. And, you are courageous.

    ReplyDelete